Iyhwbybd 15+ _Becauseofyou_

Dear Kid in which I happen to have the absolute luck of you being a good friend of mine yet the dismay-- which you will learn in this letter that I love you and the feelings not Mutual.



Don't you hate it when emotions and thoughts blind and confuse you? Like in other words, how people influence you really strongly. It's like suddenly, the simple things that you always admired in a person are turned into things you adore. Then as soon as they turn into things you adore, they become things you dream of adoring with the person you used to admire—but now adore. And sometimes, this happens so fast, that thoughts and emotions strap you down, force you to look into a bright light until everything is washed out like the sun.

    For example, you started as a jerky little hormonal kid in middle school who always made rude comments to me, about me and around me. You called me stupid a lot because I don’t think, and I know you thought I was annoying. Then again you were probably having a hard time with life and such and decided to reject everyone in it [I assumed this after hearing your father died in a car crash. I felt bad about what I thought after I heard this a few days ago, but I just brushed it away because you can’t change what’s been done.]. What ever the reason you started as this kid I just simply disliked yet admired because you were what I wanted to be—outgoing, funny and most of all you could defend yourself.  Those were a few things I could never do no matter how hard I tried, especially defend myself, and I looked up to you despite the fact you were younger than me, and shorter than me at that.

    Then, what do you know, one year older and I find you again at the high school. I see you again and you’re sitting there with my friends at lunch. Over that time, I completely forgot about you, and about what was going on in middle school, I had moved on. Ever since the summer of my year going in to high school, and the first year of high school, and even half way through the second you were gone, not there at all. And we both changed from that time. I wasn't the same pathetic 13 years old like I was in middle school who couldn't stick up for herself. Nor was I the defenseless cry baby from freshmen year. I was no longer fresh meat, no longer a target, I was much stronger now. People actually looked up to me now, I had morals, and I had SO MUCH back then. Instead of the dead person I was, I was alive and wide awake. You had calmed down a lot, you were still funny, still out going. But weren’t shockingly as harsh. I wasn’t thinking about any of that stuff back then though, I was thinking about what you were now, and what my friends were doing that weekend.

    When you had come a long, you didn't mirror me, nor were you and I close to anything. People said I liked you because you were like my used-to-be-best-friend-now-worst-enemy Luther.  But you were different. Maybe I was supposed to hate Luther, or maybe I do and he is just the kind of friend I look for. Maybe I’m still stuck on him, and that’s why I looked at you so fondly like I looked at him, or maybe the reason I’m stuck on him is because I don’t have many options to get a new friend like Luther. Not every guy wants to be as close as a best friend with a crazy, hyperactive girl, and he was one of a kind in many ways. There maybe some guys who just may want a friend like that, but I have no way of finding some one like that. All this time I keep telling people “Well, if Luther didn’t want to be friends with me he may not be that great, not any better than the pond scum that used to date me. There has to be some one better out there, if only there was some one better out there then it would be easier to move on.” The problem is; all the 'Better' people continue to be out of my league and I keep getting stuck with the pond scum because with my self worth that was all I can afford. In this way, love is like a pawn shop.

Over time I discovered that my feelings of friendship had taken the same turn for the worst as they did with Luther. I was beginning to have deeper feelings for you. Admirations for all your qualities were turning into adorations, and I couldn’t stop it. Looking at the worst of people had never worked for me, they just bothered me when I was around them and haunted me and I didn’t want that to happen.  You were just like another nonreciprocal person, but you had something different to you. The fact is, I had never, EVER had a crush on my friends. In my life it was taboo to have a crush on my friend! As soon as I got a crush on one of them, something would happen and I would start hating them after a short period time of liking them. I didn’t want that to happen with you, so I left the feeling alone.

The hard and dirty fact is that something magical could never happen between us even if I wanted it to happen. Remember the ‘Love is a pawn shop’ Theory? The same one that has to do with some ones self worth compared to yours? Well yeah, we’re no where close! And even if you did pull a move, or something I would never let you stoop down to the level of – me. Why should you hunch over for something as pathetic as me? I mean, I’m happy enough as it is. For awhile now I’ve been holding onto the fact that I’m lucky to have gotten your phone number let alone a real friendship from you. As soon as I got home too, I jumped around happily, talking about how you were the most amazing person in your world, how you were just awesome in general. I was in such shock, and slowly floating away.

Ever since we started hanging out, just that first time just chilling I always remembered every time. Especially the first one. Those days long ago, crisp in the fall days walking around down town, the crisp winter just chilling around each other’s houses, watching movies, playing video games, listening to music and talking about our lives. When spring came we changed out hang out spot to the park up my hill, and from then the summer our spot turned into the beach and where there was AC. I still remember the first time though. The first day I hung out with you, I remember everything clear as day. It was autumn, and we walked my down Magick down to Memorial elementary school with some friends. All we did was talk but it got way to cold to bear after awhile. So we went back to my house and just watched movies and joked off. The Movie was the last thing on our minds even though it took forever to choose one damned one.

I remembered every little detail of that day, and I know I should have taken the hint from that day being so happy that admiration was going to change. But all I did was ignore it and the feeling progressed and now I’m stuck here. The fact I thought you were one of the most gorgeous boys in the world turned into all your good qualities. The way you were funny, turned into the fact you could take a joke turned into the fact, and slowly I ended up learning so much about these small facts, there was no more room for admiring.

I ADORED you.

   

    I STILL DO! Every time I touch you my heart races, you thought I was freaked out the first time I hugged you! Just today I thought my heart was going to burst! And when you let me use your lap as a pillow, yeah just so you know I was in heaven right there! When you took pictures with me, it was priceless to me! You just AMAZE me in the ways that I want to be amazed, and stun me in the ways I never thought could happen. You don't date, and ever since you neither do I. I don't think I will ever date a single person ever again because of you, knowing that if I can't have you, I can't have anyone.

Sincerely Yours
Heavenly Broken.